We’ve all seen Disney and Pixar films. We all know animals fall in love and live happily ever after. But even as a child I added my own my truthful ending to our best loved animated films…
You all see Simba reuniting with the love of his life and promising to look after his ageing mother and aunts. I see Simba mating with all of his family members (even mamma) and eating any offspring they may have sired while he was absent. Does that make him more of a wrong-un than a romantic? Nah. It makes him a pragmatist. And what makes a lady swoon more than planning ahead? Just think how good the bouquets of flowers and presents would be! Sure the sex only lasts 10 seconds but as you have to do it 50 times a day and his Zazu is covered in spikes I think it’s probably for the best.
If you’re after a suave Casanova look no further than the Argentine Lake Duck and his 42.5 cm Humperdinck. His body is roughly 25 cm, so on a 6ft bloke that would be over 10ft long. It makes you look differently at Donald Duck huh? Is Daisy impressed? Nope. She’s had designer labiaplasty to avoid his unwelcome ardour. If she’s not interested she clenches those pelvic floor muscles, shifts her cloaca and sends him down a dead end. Who says Romance is dead?
Image by Dick Daniels (http://carolinabirds.org/) – Own work, CC BY-SA 3.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=11157923
Well isn’t A Bugs Life such a lovely story of hardship and joy? Well, to bed bugs that’s like listening to Dolly Parton’s 9 to 5 half an hour into your 12 hour nightshift. Pixar you don’t know hardship. You see when a male and female bed bug make love, the lady bed bug is penetrated in her side with phallus that can only be likened to a hypodermic needle, despite having all your lady bug bits in order.
Image by Rickard Ignell, Swedish University of Agricultural Sciences – http://www.pheromone.ekol.lu.se/Images/mating.jpg from http://www.pheromone.ekol.lu.se/proj2camilla.html, CC BY-SA 1.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=6417662
Sure there are some true romantics in the animal kingdom. Schistosoma mansoni worms for instance. While not the prettiest of the bunch, a pair of these worms will live together in perfect harmony inside humans until we crap them out of our system. Please think next time you take that Valentine’s Day dump, you are destroying a pairs eternal bond in the most degrading of ways, you selfish excreter.
Image by The original uploader was Waisberg at English Wikipedia – Transferred from en.wikipedia to Commons by Gliu.Davies Laboratory Uniformed Services University Bethesda, MD dead linkInformation presented on USUHS web site is considered public information and may be distributed or copied. Use of appropriate byline/photo/image credits is requested., Public Domain, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=4039842
By Caroline Airson
